• Lauren Windsor

Wall Street's Bad Santas

In honor of Christmas Eve, and the recent CRomnibus spending bill, a parody of "A Visit from St. Nicholas" ...

'Twas two weeks before Christmas, when all through the House Lobbyists were stirring, and ready to pounce; The riders they snuck in the CRomnibus with care, Knowing that Schumer would defend billionaires; The legislators negotiated to weaken the Fed; While visions of donations danced in their heads; And McConnell in his 'kerchief, and Reid in his cap, Had just settled their plans for a long winter's nap, When out in the Senate there arose such a clatter, I turned to my TV to see what was the matter. Elizabeth Warren flew up like a flash, To tear into Wall Street and Citigroup's cash. The light of the sun exposed corruption unknown, forcing the dealmakers to retreat and postpone, When what to my wondering ears did I hear, But Nancy Pelosi, calling Dems to steer clear. With opposition on both sides growing so quick, the beltway wondered if CRomnibus would stick. More rapid than vultures his minions they came, Barack whistled, and shouted, and called them by name: "Now, Schumer! Now, Boehner! Now Hoyer and Dimon! Mikulski, McConnell keep your people in line! Go and rally your troops, and make them play ball! Off with you! Off with you! Off with you all!" As lies that before the media storm fly, When they meet opposition, mount to the sky; So up to the Capitol the minions they flew With a sleigh full of threats from the president, too -- The lobbyists flooded the Hill to coerce, Letting members know they would hold back their purse. The pundits declared a progressive rebellion, Calling out Warren as a liberal hellion. As Pelosi and Waters were holding their ground, Phones rang off the hook with a deafening sound. The CEO of Morgan was making his case, for more Credit Default Swaps and profits for Chase. A bundle of favors were flung on his back, And he looked like St. Nicholas opening his pack. His voice--how seductive! His bribes so alluring! The effects of campaign finance so enduring! But do not forget, Obama made the rounds, too, despite the regulation this bill would undo. After the meltdown, Congress had fought for Dodd Frank, to protect taxpayers from Too Big to Fail banks. But now at the urging of McConnell and Schumer, legislators were ready to screw the consumer. The Citi rider moved trading risk from banks' sheets, making bailouts more likely, but profits so sweet. The vote count was close at the end of the day, but, as usual, the bankers got their way. The media declared, "A Crisis Averted!" No irony for the rider Schumer inserted. His fingerprints, the senator tried to hide, But progressives knew he was on the wrong side. For we heard Chuck exclaim, with his eyes all alight, "Happy Christmas to Wall Street, and to Wall Street, good night!"